There was one moment in my childhood that seemed insignificant at the time, but it has come to my awareness many times in my adult life. Maybe because it symbolizes a very specific kind of experience and choice.
I was on the third grade in primary school and we had a sports competition day where everybody was supposed to participate on a chosen event. Mine was 1000m running. It was something I felt pretty comfortable with, but on the way to school I felt I could not go and participate at all. I drove my bike around for some hours just to spend the time somehow. Later I had to make up excuses why I was not there and effectively lie about the situation and even try to get my mom involved with signing a paper that I was sick although she knew I had not been sick.
That decision to turn away and escape from the uncomfortability of a competition turned into an experience of shame, manipulation and deceit. Instead of momentary uncomfortability I created an experience that I carried with me for a long time. At challenging times the egoic thoughts of limitation brought that memory back reminding me that turning away from challlenge is ok and that I have done that in the past.
The inner dialogue in all of us is filled with such events from the past. Some more conscious than others. Our choices build the inner structure of the mind that we rely upon. Many times those little things that we judge to be insignificant and small and where we think that making a compromise won´t hurt are the ones that leave a very definite impression in our nervoussystems. One that begins to define us creating a clear boundary on the inside that we then call our personality.
In hindsight I felt that it would have been a smarter choice to just face the challenge. But if I am to use that experience to my benefit there is no point in judging it or wishing I did something different. It can be used as a reminder of the importance of choice. Integrity creates cohesion and stability. The more that we are able to make choices from inner awareness and clarity, the easier it is to navigate in life. There is only this moment to make those choices.
Practising Ascension has been an integral part of creating a more cohesive inner landscape. A more objective awareness that can be a witness to the experience of life at all levels. Even the experiences of the past come to be perceived in a new light as the stresses are removed. The ability to learn from every experience, whether it was originally judged good or bad, increases with the growing inner awareness of consciousness.